Losing it

[thereyougothen]

i'm losing everything, that is, but mostly my train of thought. I totally lost it last night, I was hot, the evening was one long hot flush, I was completely unable to complete a sentence, and then Bill told me to go sit outside. So I did, but the least thing I wanted was to be banished (as I saw it) to the balcony all by myself (yes, I know, any other evening, sitting watching the mountains in the sunset with my crochet would be really rather nice). anyway... so I came back in, but didn't want to make small talk with my parents, so turned on the telly. and it wouldn't work. kept saying no signal (the phone hadn't worked in the afternoon which had prompted me to pay the 5 days' overdue bill). anyway. i kept trying, then just got so damn frustrated that I just had a good scream. that didn't make the telly work either. i think part of the problem is that the telly doesn't get used enough, so we forget how to switch it between telly and dvd every time we have to do it. anyway, what was i saying? trying to remember what happened next. i think that's probbly when Bill came up from the lego room (no point calling it the playroom anymore, all they do is lego lego lego) to see what was the matter. for all of 5 seconds i think he thought he might get an answer he could understand. then he realised that this was me and the tamoxifen rage. which i'm sure must be documented here on the interwebs somewhere.

i had a raspberry square (smuggled in by my parents from their local bakery) and finished my wine, and felt a bit better. then Bill made the telly work. but my mum, bless her, said that she wished she hadn't "given me" that particular aspect of the menopause. she does like ot take credit for the bad stuff. it's hormones mum, not your genes. well, lack of hormones. or something.

i finished a book yesterday, a Meg Cabot mystery I got at the book swap, Size 12 is not fat. DOn't know why I read it, becasue a title like that (size 20 is fat, of course) would normally make me run a mile. But I enjoyed it. And like, I finished a book, in 2 days. Instead of about a month. But I only read it because I am taking a break from the "science of the brain on music" book that is really interesting, but hard to comprehend right now. maybe I should listen to more music, it exercises the brain. I was listening to more music before mum and dad came, but now the telly is on a lot more. but that might be a bonus becasue we might learn to use it.

what was I saying?

I really miss my network - F at work who is also on tamoxifen and totally understands the brain not working problem, R & L, my neighbours, who, when we'd run into each other in the street would really want to know how I am, and might even be feeling that way themselves. Knowing 3 other women who'd had breast cancer is actually a lucky break, even though you wouldn't wish it on anyone else.

I'm not usually negative about stuff, and even struggling with this crap just now i'm not feeling negative, just frustrated and annoyed. But I could really use talking to someone who has been there and done that.

Ah well. My oncologist here is really impressed with pseudo-boob. Perhaps I should write to Dr Porsche and let him know.

Comments

[pisica.livejournal.com]

Not sure how active they are, but maybe a place to start finding other people?

http://www.aachile.org/

[thereyougothen.livejournal.com]

now amalgamated with the brits and canadians and called the international association. fine if you want to know where to buy cheddar, or want to sell your car, but otherwise, not much use to me. I've met some of the members, and even those that aren't trying to get me to come to the church where their husband preaches are either golfers or just not my type.

oh, but the golfers did come in handy, becasue my dad is out playing wiht 6 of them right now.

[the-changeling.livejournal.com]

*hug*

*virtual enever ending truffles*

[thereyougothen.livejournal.com]

ah, perfect, thanks. refrigerated truffles, they could be therapy

[cangetmad.livejournal.com]

Aw, love! How sucky. Where are the cabana boys with palm leaves to fan you with?

[thereyougothen.livejournal.com]

indeed. i'm sure i was promised something like that. N has tried to fan me with the battery powered thing my mum brought me, but it's actually quite painful when you get hit with the blades. needs an expert, obvioulsy

[throwslikeagirl74.wordpress.com (from livejournal.com)]

You are so not alone. :) I lose my train of thought mid sentence. My family is getting used to just waiting during that awkward pause while I remember the word.

[thereyougothen.livejournal.com]

the kids are probably hoping that we forget halfway through telling them off!

i'm finding it a lot worse now than when i was actually on chemo, so I don't know if it's a delayed thing, or the herceptin/tamoxifen thing is making it worse. new oncologist blamed it on the herceptin

[charlosmum.livejournal.com]

I hope it helps to vent some frustration and annoyance here, at least. Losing your network is *huge*, I think. I underestimated it when we moved to a different city -- never mind a different country! -- and still don't feel like myself.

And I very often lose my train of thought... and for no good reason!